toffee shop brothel

In his youth, Nicholas Wade

smoked a pipe, said "fuck" a shade

too much

but in spite of such

would never stoop to rhodomontade

Macdonald Duck Eclair - Mac Teenage Riot

Limerick

My distinguished colleague Hieronymus

Tight on liquor and feeling quite bonhomous

Took a casual stroll to the town glory hole

And received a blowjob from Anonymous

Death Set - Negative Thinking

Dream Occupations

1) Captain of the Hongwu Emperor's 'Embroidered-Uniform Guard'/ 'Brocade-Clad Guard' or Jinyi Wei (锦衣卫) . It would be a wondrous marriage between my love of smart fabrics and my lifelong aspiration to become Head of Random Disappearances in a prestigious Ming dynasty goon squad.

2) Scion/Drone.

3) Make-out Laureate.

4) Fusilier. Note: I would also settle for Harquebusier.

A knot of contenders for number 5, but in no particular order: Mic dropper, show stopper, share cropper, clodhopper, Slap Chopper™, wife swapper, Big Bopper.

Anamanaguchi - Helix Nebula

angsty poetry bennett may have written like, now

this oppressive malaise

this malarious limbo

this charnel house of moldering hopes

o life bereft of babes and boulevardiering

your air thick with the smell of laundry detergent and wet earth

and everpresent with the slight, ominous scent of sulfur

as if perpetually on the verge of some big, big stroke

i gag on the ripe effluvium of your ennui

within these seemingly harmless bedroom walls

of soft and sedating Benjamin Moore

something rots abominable

a coffee can filled with shit immured behind the plaster

or maybe a dead rat (either way, it's gross)

and yet not far off i can see the city

lit up something simultaneously horrifying and marvelous 

like a Christmas tree on fire

and yet not far off i can hear the bonhomous fizz

of all those drunk dialogues

nattered over a digital symphony of ill-advised sexts

i might run through each ear with an awl

to spare myself the mockery of this tarty champagne serenade

God, grant me a grind that will wear me down me to powder

let me idle away my youth in relationships

that kick around like empty soda cans

let me drink more than i should at happy hours

and dance on tables at the Patriot

let me glimmer and bray like the golden ass 

every twentysomething deserves to be

just spare me from this dirge of suburban life

just spare me this gulag on a kraken

serpentined and corkscrewed

Bootiful

Chelsea boots are rather smashing

I can't help my wretched pash-ing

and would glady take a thrashing

if I might receive a pair

for I think I'd look quite dashing

forever bound to make a splashing

at the parties I'd be crashing

as they're just so debonair 

Easter? I don't even know her!

How to Get to Jess' Place: added verses (or, The Rage: How to Get to Jess' Place 2)

mount a novelty football

and in a death-defying stunt

have some brobdingagian Gaul

send me there by punt

I could go by vision quest

like some Chinook acid junkie

or choose to have her as my guest

and bring her here by winged monkey

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "to make a woman out of you."

How to Get to Jess' Place: a waste of time set to rhyme

how to get to Jess' place...

let me muse upon the way:

teleport through time and space?

by a giant trebuchet?

maybe surf a massive crowd

from my house to her front door

soar upon a fluffy cloud?

chariot of manticores?

sail down in a giant peach

on sedia gestatoria

maybe wash up on the beach

and take the subway from Astoria

I could go sleeping around

and map a way from girls I laid

or dig a tunnel underground

presidential motorcade?

cartwheel till my arms have died

log roll à la lumberjack

take a hobo rickshaw ride

sally forth on griffonback

find myself an awesome bro

and wheelbarrow race the trip?

or do obscene amounts of blow

and then ghost ride the whip

bounce a stretch of trampoline

flying carpet, witches' broom

enter woods of heavy green

and clear a path with sonic booms

Or maybe I'll just take the Metro North.  The fare is reasonable and if I take the express I can get there in thirty minutes.